You constantly hear the saying, “Live each day as if it were your last!”, But how often do we actually follow? How often do we actually appreciate this precious life that God has granted us? The truth of the matter is, We really are on borrowed time.
March 15 marks four years since I encountered an extreme near death experience. Little did I know that night leaving a bar with my friends, that I would be standing face to face with death within less than an hour. Next thing I knew, I was waking up to nurses in the hospital, in an obscene amount of pain, and had just found out (apparently I had been told numerous times but have no recollection) I was in a near fatal accident. We we’re t-boned by a flat bed tow truck. (On the passenger side where I had been sitting.)
After many staples planted into my scalp, nearly severing my tongue in half, and many stitches later, reality began to sink in.
I had almost lost my life.
I can’t say this realization came on quickly, believe it or not it did take some time. After getting my stitches and staples removed, It dawned on me. The top of my head was still missing hair (I had the top of my head shaved in preparation for the staples- it honestly looked like a mullet!), some of my teeth were still broken, and my chest and neck were still masked with scars, cuts and bruises. It became a painful reminder every day to look in the mirror and have to some how make out the girl I once was.
My life changed drastically. Everywhere I went, people would stare. I was in a treatment center after the accident, and some teens my age would laugh, stare, and joke about why I looked the way I did. My head was in a fog for months, I couldn’t ever think clearly because of the severity of my concussion, So talking to people was always difficult because I could never remember much that I had talked to my friends and family about prior. Depression at this point in my life was an understatement, and I remember losing my faith, and a lot of the time wishing I had died so I didn’t have to deal with the physical and emotional pain every single day.
Shortly after the accident I attended an appointment with a mental health doctor to figure out what was going on with me emotionally, reaching out for as much help as I could to feel somewhat normal again. I remember her diagnosis hitting me like a wall of bricks – Post traumatic stress disorder, severe clinical depression and some types of anxiety (Which of course were to be expected with the emotional distress I had been experiencing). Looking back on it now, I didn’t take these issues I had going on within myself as serious as I should have. I did everything I could possibly do to attempt to bottle it up, Throw it away, Almost as if I were trying to completely erase it from my memory as if it never happened to me. For a long time after the accident (I still do it occasionally!), I would take about it as if it had happened to someone I heard about on the news or read about in a magazine. I had trained myself to leave the emotion and memories behind, and told it like a fictional story. It worked for a while.
Into the second year after the accident, all of my fear and memories came flooding back in like a tidal wave. All of a sudden, I was so terrified of losing my loved ones. Every day tasks as simple as driving to the grocery store became a massive hurdle, My palms would sweat, I would shake, panic and sometimes pull the car over to weep. I was scared of everything and everyone. Even gaining any kind of attachment in personal relationships was far from appealing. I would always keep people at a safe distance to try and “protect myself”. What a crock that was, I ended up spiraling deeper and deeper into my own depression and anxiety and living my life at what I thought was a safe distance from everyone and everything.
Somewhere in the mix of me being so tied up in fear and trying to fix my mental state, I had an epiphany. I remember thinking to myself,
“I am alive. I am a survivor. God needed me here on earth still for a reason, And I need to go and find my reason.”
Shortly after my realization, I began praying again as well as attending church. I spoke with the Lord, and began (and I am still currently) rebuilding my relationship with God. I started doing things I loved again, And with passion. Now when I smile, I mean it. I left everything negative in my life behind, and started a new life for myself. I rebuilt my relationship with my family, I truly believe they are a part of my purpose in my life. I found myself again, and most importantly I now realize how precious and beautiful life is. Instead of enjoying my life and all of the people in it, I was pushing them all away in fear of hurting anymore, Which of course in turn was only hurting myself.
Now every day when I look in the mirror, I always smile back. The scars remind me every day to count my blessings instead of my problems, and always help me remember to be grateful for everything and everyone in my life. Always make it a point to be grateful, to smile and love as hard as you can. Life truly is to precious to spend it otherwise. Always make it a point to laugh at everything, and to remember that every hardship is a great teacher. And last but most importantly, Make it a point to tell your loved ones, how much you truly love them – everyday. I am so incredibly blessed to have my family, I know a reason I am still on this earth is to spend more time with them, Love and appreciate them the way I always should have. I could never thank our Lord enough for giving me that chance.
These days, Instead of questioning my purpose, I’m out there living it.
Live your purpose, love your life. Always be grateful, And never hold back.
A Safe Place. 